The Big C

She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.-Toni MorrisonI had to take the day off of work today. Not in the fun, play hooky, vacation way. Today was not that kind of summer day. …

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A moment in recovery 

At my husband's Vivitrol shot this morning, the Physicians Assistant (who we love by the way) asked when he would decrease his nicotine levels for vaping. He told me in the car after: "I can't believe she is asking me about my nicotine levels, 7 months ago I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a …

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Stand Up

Days sober: 88  (and made it through the holidays) "Trying to help an addict is like watching someone drown in 4 feet of water and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up". -Unknown, heard in Al-anon My husband is an addict. He was drowning.  He is a …

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Shot

This week, on a very gray and slushy Monday in Massachusetts, I went with my husband to an appointment where he received a Vivitrol shot. Vivitrol is an injectable form of a medication called naltrexone. It lasts for 30 days.  Naltrexone (Vivitrol)  is a newer medication available for treatment of opiate and alcohol addiction. It …

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Unknown 

You've seen my descent.  Now watch my rising.  -Rumi  Blackout Day 29 Treatment Day 44 My husband comes home from rehab tomorrow. On the phone he told me: "this will be one of our best weekends in years". It's because he will be sober. The tears filled my eyes, they warmed my heart, they poured …

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Building Bridges in Addiction 

Lately I have been reading lists. When the world feels crazy, dark, and wicked, and when you don't even know where to begin in enacting change, lists can be quite useful. Otherwise I end up like a mad banshee, howling at the sky,  and running around in frenzied circles. In the US political arena there …

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Thanksgiving Gratitude 

Blackout-day 21 Rehab-day 35 My husband has been gone for 35 days. Blackout has turned to brownout like the flickering of lights with 12 minute phone calls every few days. He has been gone for 35 days, but it feels like a lifetime. The world has changed something inside of me, making healing hard. He …

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Season of Blackout-Letting Go

He's gone. My texts have gone from blue to green. I am alone. Holding on. It is the season of blackout. I had 12 hours with him. Holding on. A strained 12 hours, leaving me with the metallic taste of disappointment. Expectation will do that to you. He was released from his partial hospitalization program …

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“Letters” from Rehab

Texts from my husband since he has been in. He is now in "blackout" in a residential rehab in Florida (limited to no contact, no phone)  I didn't edit any typos. Warning-there are some curse words. DAY 1 Bubbie - love you .... Place is great - already talking with doc about meds - psych tomorrow - …

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High Stakes

Since my husband went in the emotions have hit me like a mack truck, boom!  They are changing and cycling. First the elation upon entry into treatment, then the sadness coupled with pure exhaustion, now the crippling anxiety, feelings of desperation, and fear. I am allowed to visit and Face Time my husband in the …

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