Surface Lot

My husband is an addict.  Click, flame lights, tinfoil crackles, sharp inhale, lungs fill, smoke billows, brain floods, neck goes limp, pupils constrict. A man sits alone in a car in a concrete parking garage. The dome light inside of the car paints shadows across his face. Deepening the dark curved grooves beneath his eyes; …

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Love In Recovery 

Sonnet XVII I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,    or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:    I love you as one loves certain obscure things,    secretly, between the shadow and the soul.  I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries    the light …

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History’s Lessons: Actions in Addiction and the Resistance Ahead

"Quote words that affirm all men and women are your brothers and sisters." -Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams   Days Sober: 110 When my husband was using my bones were brittle from stress, my back bent with burden, my walk labored with stress,  my mind tired from the worry, my thinking distorted by anxiety. …

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On Gratitude and A Day in the Life, January 14, 2017 (from a thirty-something year old woman living in a blue state in the God-blessed USA) 

Days Sober: 97 Days left of Barack Obama presidency: 6 Loving someone who suffers from addiction is really hard. So is life. Some days I worry that we just won't survive. That life is just too damn hard, that the world is too brutal, and that the disease of addiction is too pervasive. The world …

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Stand Up

Days sober: 88  (and made it through the holidays) "Trying to help an addict is like watching someone drown in 4 feet of water and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up". -Unknown, heard in Al-anon My husband is an addict. He was drowning.  He is a …

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Still Here in 2017

Days sober: 81 Since my husband returned from rehab four weeks ago, 2 young men he was in with have died from drug overdoses. My heart is heavy thinking of the ones that have left us too early, their deaths leaving behind them a trail of sorrow; parents left childless, children left without a mother …

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The Things Life Gives Us: Finding Meaning, Seeking Recovery 

Days Sober: 73 This is a recent piece I wrote for Stigma Fighters, a mental health non-profit organization dedicated to helping real people living with mental illness. I wrote it on my husband's 65 day sober milestone. We don’t ask for the worst things in life. My husband is an addict. His drug of choice is dope. …

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Affirmations 

Codependency is a bitch. So is addiction.  Today my husband returns from rehab. I told my therapist how terrified I am of relapse. Of overdose. She reminded me not to abandon myself, to continue practicing self love. She told me to take life one day at a time. She taught me the serenity prayer. She …

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The Beating

 Blackout-Day 14, Treatment-Day 28 I long for cold. I long for winter. Everyone loves the beautiful mild November days that we are experiencing here in Massachusetts. Not me. They are a reminder of a warmth that I do not feel. They remind me of energy and activity depleted. No, I am yearning for hibernation. And …

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Inertia

Today. My husband has been in rehab for 10 days. I lay in wait in nebulous isolation. The isolation a paradoxical state. Outside the world is on fire, inside my husband is healing, outside I am here grieving MY past, THE present, and THE WORLD'S future. Inside I am celebrating my husband's recovery, outside I am distracted by the world's …

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