The Trail

It has been a while since I have written. I know in early recovery this could mean many things, including bad things. It could mean relapse. My husband, by the grace of God, is still sober. In mid October, he will be one year clean.  I have not written because we have been enjoying a …

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A moment in recovery 

At my husband's Vivitrol shot this morning, the Physicians Assistant (who we love by the way) asked when he would decrease his nicotine levels for vaping. He told me in the car after: "I can't believe she is asking me about my nicotine levels, 7 months ago I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a …

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Surface Lot

My husband is an addict.  Click, flame lights, tinfoil crackles, sharp inhale, lungs fill, smoke billows, brain floods, neck goes limp, pupils constrict. A man sits alone in a car in a concrete parking garage. The dome light inside of the car paints shadows across his face. Deepening the dark curved grooves beneath his eyes; …

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Stand Up

Days sober: 88  (and made it through the holidays) "Trying to help an addict is like watching someone drown in 4 feet of water and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up". -Unknown, heard in Al-anon My husband is an addict. He was drowning.  He is a …

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The Things Life Gives Us: Finding Meaning, Seeking Recovery 

Days Sober: 73 This is a recent piece I wrote for Stigma Fighters, a mental health non-profit organization dedicated to helping real people living with mental illness. I wrote it on my husband's 65 day sober milestone. We don’t ask for the worst things in life. My husband is an addict. His drug of choice is dope. …

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Inertia

Today. My husband has been in rehab for 10 days. I lay in wait in nebulous isolation. The isolation a paradoxical state. Outside the world is on fire, inside my husband is healing, outside I am here grieving MY past, THE present, and THE WORLD'S future. Inside I am celebrating my husband's recovery, outside I am distracted by the world's …

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Season of Blackout-Letting Go

He's gone. My texts have gone from blue to green. I am alone. Holding on. It is the season of blackout. I had 12 hours with him. Holding on. A strained 12 hours, leaving me with the metallic taste of disappointment. Expectation will do that to you. He was released from his partial hospitalization program …

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High Stakes

Since my husband went in the emotions have hit me like a mack truck, boom!  They are changing and cycling. First the elation upon entry into treatment, then the sadness coupled with pure exhaustion, now the crippling anxiety, feelings of desperation, and fear. I am allowed to visit and Face Time my husband in the …

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My Personal Relapse

Today I woke up feeling everything. I took the day off of work claiming sickness so I can spend the day with my sister in law who is visiting from the west coast. When I say I woke up feeling everything, it means a great weight. Although I am not really sick, I feel like …

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Dream and Fiction

This writing was inspired by a dream I had last night. And by my life. I walk alone in the old city. I walk past the immense still factories, abandoned and lifeless. I walk past black boarded up windows. I know he is here somewhere. I walk past the colorful graffiti splattered walls. I walk …

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