Free Fall

My heart is free falling through space

It feels light

Airy

Weightless

Plummeting, spinning, somersaulting 

Released from gravity’s pull

Like an inmate from her cell

Free 

Falling 

I ponder how it will land

I don’t see bottom

But I know that it’s there

Will it land with a thud 

Will it be a crash 

Or a splat

Because I know in fact 

my heart is not light

No

It is heavy 

Hopefully when it lands 

I will be too numb to register 

my heart’s recidivism 

The return to earth 

To gravity imprisonment

To the cell 

that is our body’s senses 

behind quivering skin 

receptor bars

If I am not numb

I fear

the pain will be too great

For now 

my heart is just

Free 

Falling 

Carelessly through space 

Perhaps when it hits the ground 

it will in fact bounce 

bouyant 

light and

remaining whole 

I am always writing about matters of the heart; mine is always doing something, like melting, falling, breaking, mending, somersaulting. I guess that’s part of the human experience. To undergo life emotionally, to feel. 

I found out last night that my abuelita in Puerto Rico died. I am sad because I lost her. I am really sad for my father, who was extremely close to her. She had a very difficult life with mental illness and abuse; I know my father’s life growing up was also tough. We didn’t get to say goodbye. It is difficult when we are not able to say goodbye to loved ones. It is difficult when we lose the people we love. Something about the distance between us makes the hole of sorrow even deeper. 

After speaking to my parents and receiving the news, the first thing I wanted to do was to have a drink. I did not have that drink since we are a sober home, and that’s okay. I was okay without the drink. I am okay now without the drink. Although this blog is not about my addiction and I’m not an alcoholic, I thought about this reflex. The reflex to numb, to self medicate. To do this with alcohol. An “accepted” form of self medication. Instead I remained sober. I’m glad I did. Work with a hangover today would have been hell. 

In solidarity with all the recovering (or using, or relapsing) addicts out there. I know my refrain from drinking was much easier than what you have battled in substance abuse. You are stronger than you know. Your strength amazes me. 

To mi abuelita in heaven, te quiero muchísimo. 

-M 

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19 thoughts on “Free Fall

  1. I went to bed last night with delusions of some grand comment of wisdom about this post. LOL! I am so sorry for your loss, Marahu. You capture that feeling so well and your poem is beautiful. Your description of the desire to drink but not doing so is also very interesting (from my alcoholic’s viewpoint). The thought that he can drink normally is the obsession of many alcoholics. That’s why I love the 10th step promises. Once that obsession has been lifted, “we” can understand what you describe here: drinking doesn’t help and man, that hangover makes your day pretty terrible! I hope you have a good weekend and love to you and your family at this time.

    Liked by 1 person

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