Soul in Revolt 

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first. 

― Jim Morrison

Stigma has me hiding in the shadows. A chained heart engulfed in flames of shame and fear. Flames that burn, leaving scars and trauma. Stigma has me wearing the mask in edited Facebook posts, in mechanical conversations, in filtered Instagram images.

There’s a revolution stirring. I am done with the shame and I am done with the fear. The fear is still there, but I won’t let it control me any longer. I want to unshackle myself. A revolution is born when one can no longer accept the norm of current reality.  For me this is a reality in which I am stigmatized. In which my husband is stigmatized. Right now I am writing about my personal revolution. It may be mine, but it does not exist in a vacuum. It is inspired by community.

There is a sense of being in anger. A reality and presence. An awareness of worth.

-The Bluest Eye,  Toni Morrison 

A revolution is born from something new. I must acknowledge a new emotion that has surfaced. It is anger. Not uncontrollable rage, but anger that embraces my worth. Revealing indignation against judgement, marginalization, and criminalization. Leading to a revolt against stigma. I am ready to step out of stigma’s shadow and into the light.

My husband is an addict. 

My credit is shot. 

The medical bills are arriving. 

I don’t know how I will pay them. 

My husband is an addict. 

I will survive this. I am not ashamed. I am worthy. I deserve better. My husband deserves better. We ALL deserve better.

I shudder as the trauma of communities suffering from addiction travels through my veins. Communities freezing in stigma’s cold shadow. Yes, I am done with the shame and I am done with the fear. I reject the stigma. I remove my mask, push the hood from my head, let my cloak fall to the floor, and step out from the deepest recesses of my fearful mind. I throw my anger to the frenzied winds and harness it’s energy. I step out of the shadow. My soul is in revolt. I am ready to share. Run and shout it from the rooftops, expose my raw insides and my battered heart. Let my scream take flight and carry my words to the world. Tell the world no matter what I face, I have not fallen from grace. I am here in my being. I have risen from despair. I have risen in love. On the rooftop beneath the infinite black clouds, I raise my face to the sky, let the cool rain wash the tears from my cheeks, and release my declaration into the storm. You will not imagine my scream, you will hear my scream.

Take that wicked world. Take this (me, my husband) cruel world. This is me. This is us.

It is my soul in revolt.

Allow me to introduce myself.


My name is Mara. This is my husband. His name is James. I call him Jim. He is in the very very very early stages of recovery from dope addiction. This means the future is still uncertain. The future is always uncertain. I love him dearly. I am not ashamed he is my husband.

I must give credit where credit is due. This “coming out” was inspired by two recovery bloggers, Mark and Damien. These posts most recently:

We Must Not Fear the Angry Anthems

http://www.markgoodson.com/my-history-of-addiction/

And by my husband of course. Fighting the demon one day at a time.

In these times we must emerge from the shadows and find strength for battle. First fight addiction, then stigma…then I can take on the world. Rise up. Peace my friends.

Just received this news:

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/dec/04/dakota-access-pipeline-permit-denied-standing-rock

Never give up. NEVER.

#noDAPL

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17 thoughts on “Soul in Revolt 

  1. Do you recall the movie ” Network ” There is a scene in it that sums it up quite well ” I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more ” That is what is known as ” The bullet hit the bone ”
    It takes what it takes sometime, willing to go to any length. When the stigma and stereotypic image of an alcoholic/addict is painted on you, remember one thing to reply with. ” If you spot it, you got it ” Have mercy! My monster is on a rampage today, been dealing with haters all day. Peace, Marshall

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “If you spot it, you got it.” I love that! I find knowledge is a great way to deal with the haters. Recently someone said something ugly about “some junkie”. I felt rage, but calmly started reciting statistics and points from the surgeon generals recent report while looking them directly in the eye. That shut them right up!!!! Keep on keeping on friend! 👊🏽✌🏽

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Marahu,
    Never ever be ashamed of who you are or your husband. In the end what people say or think shouldn’t effect you, if they have something negative to say they can kiss your @*$ and whenever somebody has something negative to say to me or about me. I always say are you paying my bills, putting food on my table or clothes on my back, NO, so shut the hell up and get a life and stop focusing on mine. So, happy you decided to reveal yourself, it’s a start in helping to take the stigma out of addiction. I thank you for doing that. May god bless you and your family.
    Carol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carol-thank you for your support. Yes there is so much shame and isolation that comes with the stigma, and I am finally in a place where I can reject that. It’s empowering for me and my husband and I hope I can empower, educate, and inspire others. Peace to you and yours.

      -Marahu

      Liked by 1 person

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