In/Out

He is in and I am out. He is in treatment and I am out in the world. He is in recovery and I need to be too. I need to be out here healing. When you live with an individual who is actively using, you are in what I would like to call survival mode. I was in and he was out.  I was in survival mode, he was out of his mind. For me that meant working, paying bills, monitoring my husband’s safety, coping with anxiety, worry, and sadness, coveting money, cleaning, cooking, trying to get my husband into treatment, and trying to take care of myself. There is no space in the heart to store emotions, there is no time in the brain for processing. To cope, you must be numb. You must be out, checked out. It was an out of body experience, I was a machine going through the motions. He was in obliteration, in the prison of his own mind. I only realize that now, because as I wake up from this coma-like hyper-vigilant state, the feeling slowly comes back to my paralyzed limbs. It is a defrosting of the icy mind. As I step back into my body, it is hard to bear, the emotions come out, they are razor sharp. The wounds, I am discovering, are deep in. My husband came out to me about some truths that had previously been lies. It is petrifying when you recognize that even when you knew, you actually had no idea. NO IDEA AT ALL. I suspect that is only the tip of the iceberg. My life may completely cave in. I will still be standing out here in the unforgiving-forgiving world, like I have through all of it. The difference is I will be standing with my chest a gaping hole, tears streaming, my mind doing somersaults. I can’t fall apart now, can I? I am scared. I can’t ever go back. I won’t survive it again. Sigh-breathe in, breathe out. He is in and I am out.

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11 thoughts on “In/Out

  1. Annette

    Oh my gosh you are such an excellent writer. You said all of this perfectly….so perfectly you could have only known this from living it and feeling each drop at the deepest level. It’s so common when they go into treatment that we finally fall apart. The numbness….yes. It’s like hot water thawing our frozen fingers….it stings and tingles and hurts…but it’s us coming back to life, feeling again. Bless your wise insightful heart. I’m so glad you are here!

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    1. It’s crazy because it’s like huge life things and little tiny detail things. Like I really need to clean my car and OMG I hope he can stay sober. Oh man yes the feelings are coming along with some anxiety. Thank you for the kind compliment, I have to write and get it out sometimes. I’m so glad you are here and we have met, even if it’s only in the blogosphere. Ha! That’s funny because I have never used that word before.

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      1. Annette

        I feel like I would learn a lot from you! My blog is at:
        Journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.com
        I’m slowing everything way down right now so am only popping in occasionally. But you can read back through the years if you are interested. I started blogging in 2007! I had years of my blogs printed into a book and then took them all down. Then I started again and one day will have this printed into a book. Finding my way through this life that has been so affected by other people’s addictions has been really something…I’m at a loss for words as to what it’s been. Lol there have been many gifts…I will say that.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Simply beautiful. Isn’t it crazy!? Those small things AND the big things. Annette said it so well, feeling again. To be sober during this time is so vital and so hard. Keep sharing here. Keep writing it. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. I can’t even begin to tell you how deeply this touched me. I’ve told you so many times, you have a gift, and it is creative writing. Your emotions are called out in this writing. They are free to come out now, wild, raw and scary. They have been bottled up .. don’t be afraid of them. Allow them freedom to come out of the darkness, into the light. They are ONLY feelings. Let them course through your mind, through your body and out through your fingertips. They are ONLY feelings. Observe them as feelings but don’t let them have power over you. I don’t know if I’ve expressed this the way I want to. It comes from my own battle against anxiety and fear. Keep writing. My prayers are with you.

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  4. I came back to read my comment to you and realize I did a lousy job communicating. Using the phrase … Only feelings sounds like I am minimizing what you are up against. I would never want to do that to you dear girl. You have put your feelings into descriptive, powerful words which is keenly insightful. I did a poor job of trying to share my own experience with feelings which threatened to swallow me whole. I’m not able to clearly write them out, so I should have held them back. I apologize. God be with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my your comments have been nothing but kind, supportive, and loving. I am so appreciative of them! I didn’t feel minimized at all. Thank you so much for your amazing feedback. There are 2 sides: emotions that eat us alive and the power to recognize they are just that…emotions. 🙏🏼❤️

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