In/Out

He is in and I am out. He is in treatment and I am out in the world. He is in recovery and I need to be too. I need to be out here healing. When you live with an individual who is actively using, you are in what I would like to call survival mode. …

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Reflections

Before my husband went in I gave him a date.  By that date, he had to get the Vivitrol shot, go into treatment, or leave. That date was 10/10/2016. The week before that, we had the conversation in which he would surrender to the idea that rehab would be a relief. That was followed by …

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Birthday Gift

"To love is to recognize yourself in another." -Eckhart Tolle When I arrived back home after dropping my husband off at rehab, his absence in our 6th floor apartment was palpable. His toothbrush missing from the cup in the bathroom, his sweatshirts no longer hanging on the coat rack, a flat space where his pillow …

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Going In

Last night I asked my husband what he wanted. He told me “I feel so low. I just want to feel okay”. His words broke my heart. Last night was his last night at home before rehab. He didn’t sleep, tossing and turning next to me, finally getting up to go to the couch. Before …

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Demon

It has been lurking in the shadows for the past two weeks. Observing my husband, waiting, seething, weak, sick. Today it reappeared, in half form, ready for war. In the beginning my husband was too sick to consider using. Too sick to even try. The end of this week, as some of the physical symptoms …

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Menu Planning for Detox

Many people are probably doing menu planning for things like Sunday football, Halloween parties, and fun fall festivities that involve pumpkins, other fall squash, brussel sprouts, apples, and cinnamon. In my home, I am shopping and cooking for something that is not considered festive, though worth celebrating, my husband's withdrawal from opiates. So far these past …

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Imagine My Scream

I imagine a cry erupts from my lips. My wolf mouth howls into the night, wailing and shrieking, it pierces the clear sky. I imagine the limbs of the trees tremble, shaking the leaves to the ground. I imagine the squirrels hear it, causing them to scurry up the trees, cheeks bursting with acorns. It …

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The State of Waiting

The rain has been pouring for days. The clouds grieve,  releasing their tears to the earth. From the 6th floor, I imagine the ground soaking up the water, creating mud. I picture the oily puddles forming on the concrete sidewalks. Inside I am protected. Inside I am surrounded by dry stillness. A game of waiting. …

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Shattering the Stigma at Home

  Taken from a website: Shatter the stigma, Mend the mind: Stigma limits a person's ability to: get and keep a job fit in at school without being bullied find a safe place to live attend college or university receive adequate health care (including treatment for substance use and mental health problems) and other support …

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The Search

I hear the rain's footsteps on the roof. Every few minutes our living room couch's wooden frame that opens up to a futon creaks under his weight. The sound of my husband tossing and turning. Thursday he said yes to rehab, Friday he slept, ate cereal, and walked the dog, and today he detoxes. So …

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