Yesterday I received this from my husband in a text message:
Love you – I really do – I want things to get better between us … I don’t want to feel this disconnect anymore. I know we can get past this and I know it all starts with me…..seeing those text messages really hurt and also really let me know where you are at in your head – that needs to change – I’ve been really upset since i saw them and also determined to work to fix the problem. I miss you – I miss us –
The text messages he had found on my phone were between my best friend and I. I had been expressing my doubt about how long I could survive in our marriage with his continued drug use and had mentioned my thoughts about moving back to San Diego. The truth is, though, I haven’t been ready to give up on him.
Back to the day of his text message. To protect myself, I am always careful to manage my expectations after revelations like this from him, but the hope still flickered inside of me. After returning home that evening I attempted to start a dialogue with my husband. He was not up to it. Talking is hard for him because he buries the trauma, emotions, and truth so deep. I didn’t push, but reminded him how much I loved him.
Tonight he was able to tell me how unhappy he is. I could see the raw pain in his face, the tears in his eyes, unable to spill, dried up from years of suppression. I gently listened. About two hours later I asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to go to rehab. Wouldn’t it be a relief?” After a short pause he said, “Yes”. I asked, “You are saying yes to rehab?”. He confirmed again. That’s the first embrace we have had in a long time in which I could feel his heart, his soul, and our connectedness. It still lingers, the feeling of him on my skin, my heart feeling full. I know this is just the beginning, but just hearing his surrendering words, words that acknowledge he needs help, it’s like I found him again. Like he’s not lost, he’s still here, with me, with us.